Drowning
by Darcyfitz1
Summary: Summary - Sheldon Cooper never knew what he had until he lost it. One shot focusing on the Season 8 finale. If you haven't ever heard this song, I strongly suggest you look it up. It fits this story (and current status quo) perfectly.


**~Drowning~**

 **Summary - Sheldon Cooper never knew what he had until he lost it. One shot focusing on the Season 8 finale. If you haven't ever heard this song, I strongly suggest you look it up. It fits this story (and current status quo) perfectly.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory. This is for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement intended.**

"… Is it my turn to wish you were lying here?

I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping.

Ohhh…

Is it my turn to fictionalize my world?

Or even imagine your emotions. I tell myself anything…

Is it my turn to hold you by your hands?

Tell you I love you and you not hear me…

Is it my turn to totally understand?

To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing.

If I had to give away the feeling that I feel.

If I had to sacrifice whatever babe, whatever babe.

If I had to take apart all that I am.

Is there anything that I would not do?

Cause inside I'd die without you.

I'd die without you.

Oh, I apologize, for all the things I've done.

But now I'm under water and I'm drowning.

Is it my turn to be the one to cry?

Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around?

So take every little piece of my heart…

Take every little piece of my soul…

Take every little bitty piece of my mind…

Cause if you're gone

Inside…

I'd die without you.'''

PM Dawn ~ I'd Die Without You

Sheldon leaned back in the bathtub, submerging himself in the thick pink bubbles.

As a child growing up in East Texas, whenever bullies would hurt his feelings or the stress at home got too much to bear, he would escape to the bathroom and take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubbles. It was a childish throwback to his youth, but the action soothed his soul when the problems of life grew out of control.

Something told him, no amount of bubbles in the world was going to fix this problem.

Amy had left him.

Alright, to be fair, she'd asked him for a break. She didn't break up with him, per se. Yet he felt the loss of her everywhere.

In the fact her lab was sealed shut at Caltech, and he couldn't pop over and have lunch with her during the week. In the fact her Skype, social media and cell phone was completely silent to him. In the fact that eight weeks had come and gone, and their date nights were building up. She hadn't joined the group for dinner recently, either; Penny and Bernadette weren't saying much and getting involved even less.

The loss of Amy Farrah Fowler in his life had left a hole so big, Sheldon was afraid if he wasn't careful, he would fall into it and be lost forever.

He missed her.

But it was more than simply missing her.

He _longed_ for her.

In a way he never allowed himself to long for anything before. Especially Amy.

He missed the smell of her fragrant hair as she leaned against him, or hugged him and his chin rested against her perfectly. He missed the way her eyes would light when he told a joke, or when she told a joke and he for once understood the sarcasm. And he missed her voice. The deep, melodic tone of her voice that was the most soothing and familiar sound in his world.

He missed everything about Amy. Perhaps, therein lay the problem.

He missed _everything_ about Amy.

Like the way her face would fall when he said something insensitive. Or the way her smile would fade when she realized another date night would end without further intimacy. Or the way her voice sounded hurt whenever he disregarded her feelings, as he did the last time they were together, on their five year anniversary.

He missed the things that he should have caught, if he had been paying attention as a normal and attentive boyfriend would have. But he wasn't normal or attentive. He was Sheldon Cooper. Master Physicist, and clueless paramour.

Sheldon closed his eyes as he slid down in the warm water, allowing it to cover his head completely. He felt like he was drowning, both literally and metaphorically.

A man thinks about a lot of things when he is faced with a dilemma. He learned that last year, when he jumped on a train and left his little world behind because he couldn't cope with the changes that were steamrolling through his life. He still felt ashamed when he thought about his actions. If the roles were reversed, he would have been devastated to learn that Amy simply left him with no word, no goodbye. At least, she gave him the courtesy of telling him she was unhappy, and needed some time to think. He wishes, not for the first time, that he had afforded her the same luxury last year.

But they had come so far since then, hadn't they? So much had happened this year; so many good things. He admitted to her that he loved her. More importantly, admitted it to _himself_. They spent the night together. It was G rated, perhaps, but still. That was a huge step for him. He was trying so hard to change for her.

Sheldon raised himself out of the water, gasping against the lack of oxygen in his lungs.

Why was she doing this to him? Didn't she know how much he loved her? Didn't she appreciate how he had basically remolded his entire world to accommodate her?

The thought gave him pause.

She shouldn't have to be _accommodated_.

She told him once she deserved romance. She deserved that, and so much more. She deserved a man who would put her needs ahead of his own. She deserved a lover that would be attentive to her, shower her with sincerity, and make her feel wanted. She _was_ wanted, after all. Wanted, loved, adored…

Needed.

Why did he have to blurt out that stupid question about The Flash? He was enjoying himself…enjoying _Amy_ …so much that night. What had started out as an innocent discussion about their first meeting had morphed into a heavy make out session that he wasn't prepared for, but had welcomed it all the same.

Before he knew what was happening, his hands were all over his girlfriend, and hers were all over him. Everywhere she touched, fire erupted. Their chaste kiss at once turned passionate, with open mouths, slippery lips, and velveteen tongues. A barrage of thoughts assaulted him all at once. Mostly thoughts of how to unclothe his temptress of a girlfriend. Where that comment came from, he had no idea. But Sheldon realized now that it wasn't simply _voicing_ that thought that disturbed Amy so. It was the fact he _had_ it in the first place.

Being his girlfriend must not be an easy task for Amy. Putting up with him, forgiving him…it must be as exhausting for her as dealing with everyday life is for him. He found himself feeling ashamed at the level of dedication Amy had devoted to him; years of putting his feelings first, letting him off the hook, and relegating herself to the sidelines so that he could be content. She had said the last time they spoke that being his girlfriend was physically and emotionally daunting.

Up until now, he never had taken that into account. He went through life thinking everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him was better for it. Amy was no different. He had gifted her with his presence in her life. That should have been enough, right?

He was a selfish, clueless man child.

Why did he have to bore her with endless and meaningless drivel about trivia she had absolutely no interest in? Had his OCD gotten to the point where he just expected his loved Ones to put up with his quirks and shenanigans?

Then a horrible thought entered his mind, smothering out everything else.

Had he finally, inevitably pushed Amy away? Had she realized, none too late…that she was a flower being crushed under the weight of his oppressive, gale force winds? The look on her face, in her eyes when she said 'Goodbye, Sheldon'… it decimated him.

All she ever wanted was for him to love her. All she ever longed for was a little slice of his heart. All she ever waited for was a sign that he was where she was; on the same page, moving forward.

And what did he give her? Nothing.

He turned a romantic night into a lonely one. He took her heart and once again stomped upon it. Watched it bleed, and turned away in indignation.

Sheldon looked around the silent bathroom, tears forming hot and heavy in his blue eyes.

She was unreachable to him. She wanted a break. From him, and all of the pain he had caused her. What if when this 'break' was over, she decided they were as well?

"Oh, Amy…what have I done to you?" He asked the empty room, his voice sounding hollow and lonely. And he _was_ lonely. So very, very lonely.

His memory wandered back to last Christmas, and the moment he _knew_ Amy was his future.

After Amy presented him with Meemaw's cookies, Sheldon felt like his life was spinning off its axis. He looked at her that day…really looked at her. He had never felt so in love as he did in that moment. The next day, he went to the jeweler's and bought her that ring. He knew then he wasn't ready to just ask her. They still had a ways to go. But he wanted to be prepared, for when the moment arose.

Would he ever get that chance now? Was his Amy lost to him, forever? Would he ever get to tell her how much he really loved her, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her by his side?

"God, Amy…I miss you," He said shakily, rising from the tub and throwing on his robe. The water had since gone cold, only adding to his misery. Making his way to his room, he flung himself on top of his cold bed, not even bothering to dress. So he wouldn't be wearing his Thursday pajamas. Who the hell cared? Was his world going to end because he slept in his robe?

Sheldon grimaced, smashing his face into his pillow. What was she doing tonight? _Every_ night these days? Was she out with friends? Co-workers? The girls?

Was she out with a man? Enjoying pumpkin lattes and…coitus?

"No!" He shouted to the empty room, turning over and staring at the ceiling in a panic.

No, Amy would _never_ betray him that way. Not after all they had been through. Not after everything they meant to each other.

Was she suffering as he was, or had she moved on? Was she happy? Or was she miserable? Did she want her space, or was she dying inside like he was…praying he would go to her and sweep her off her feet.

Did she still love him? Or had that love tempered to a casual indifference?

He felt the fire inside his heart simmer to a dangerous degree. She was all he would ever want, and the blinding truth of that burned his soul.

Great sobs began to wrack Sheldon's body as he feared the worst. Her silence only added to his mounting fears. Up and up they grew, like the wall of Jericho.

' _She loves you. She said it. That was why it was so hard. Didn't you listen to her? Didn't you hear the pain in her voice? She didn't do this to hurt you. She loves you. She wants you. But you treat her like an afterthought.'_

"What have I done?" He whimpered, grabbing his pillow and holding it tightly. The tears he kept at bay for the last thirty-five years came pouring out in a torrent. His life was an empty, vast wilderness. The only grounding factor was a woman that owned his heart. And he had broken hers.

He wanted so badly to jump in a taxi and go to her. Fall down at her feet and beg her forgiveness. But he knew that if he made such a fool hardy gesture, and Amy wasn't ready, he could lose her forever. He was stuck in this crazy, uncomfortable state of limbo.

Sheldon laughed in self-deprecation. So this was karma….he didn't like it very much. Especially knowing how much he had hurt Amy. God, she must be _aching_ if he felt this bad.

He had told her irony was lost on him. He'd lied. Now, he knew. Now, he was the one lying here alone, wishing she were beside him. Now he was the one wishing he could hold her hand again, stare deeply into her eyes, and allow her to see the depth of his devotion.

It was amazing, how the tables had completely turned.

Sheldon fell asleep, tears drying on his face uncomfortably.

Across town, in the city of Glendale, a young Neuroscientist was clutching her pillow tightly, crying as well.

And praying for the day when Sheldon Cooper, PhD would be ready to give her everything.

She could never have imagined that he already was. Or that there was a ring made especially for her, sitting in a drawer and awaiting to be placed upon her finger.


End file.
